The things you weren't sure you wanted to know about

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Breakfast is the best meal of the day, no contest.

The classic. sunny side up, bacon, and toast.

The all in one. Egg, bacon, pancake.

The egg, bacon, pancake after. cut it open and let the goods ooze out.

Sweet tooth. crushed oreos and blueberry pancake.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Jail Journal

Jail Journal

Here is my daily journal from my time in the Clackamas County Jail. It was really boring. The majority of the time you are in a 25x150 common area, or block, with 15 to 22 other cellmates. At night and during lock down you are locked in your cell, a 6x 12 hold with 2 beds, a desk, and a sink/toilet combo. The people are strange and the food sucks.

Day 1: sentencing: Today I went to court. The judge yelled at me, made me feel like the worst person in the world. She sentenced me to 30 days in jail, 1 year probation, and no alcohol for a year. Went straight from the courthouse to jail. Got to the jail at about 1pm, didn’t get into my cell until 6pm.

Day 2: let the fun begin: Today is my first full day in jail. Its better than the holding cell which is just a 20x20 concrete room full of 15 to 20 bums and smells like feet and ass. There are books and cards to read and play here now. The people are ok, my cellmate is a little odd, smokes meth, has barely any teeth.

Day 3: im in jail: started to feel shitty at times today, mostly when I was on the phone with my mom. As long as I keep busy reading, sleeping, and exercising I don’t mind it too much. One of the guys is going home tonight, must feel amazing.

Day 4: Celly’s: Pretty interesting day today. Mike next door got transferred to a different block so he could continue going to school. A new cellmate was brought in, big guy, crazy look in his eyes. Right when he came in he through all his cellys stuff out into the hall, yelled at him saying the top bunk was his, then punched him in the face dropping him to the ground. The guards came in and took him back to the hole, and gave all of us 1 hour of lockdown. My celly is a neurotic, masturbating, methhead with ADHD. He never stops talking or sleeps. Its going to be a very interesting month.

Day 5: Mark the date: Got the information outlining my conviction, probation and release date. 12 months no alcohol or contact with any of the kids involved, and pending good behavior I will be released june 15th. That means I only have to wake up in jail 22 more times! Wrote a letter to Jeanette, Alex, and Marsha. Still haven’t got my pin fixed to make phone calls, been boring one of the other guys to call my mom. Ordered a bunch of candy on my commissary today, that will be here in 4 days on Friday. Finished my first book last night, “the prophet”, started my second, “angels and demons”.

Day 6: The pin: finally got my phone pin situation figured out. Called sean and jeanette, and talked to marsha for a second. Things are moving a long. Got harry potter and the chamber of secrets from my mom today. Everytime I talk to her I get sad which sucks. Gollum (my celly) is still weird as shit. Constantly cleaning and wiping things up. June 15th is 1 day closer, 3 weeks and counting.

Day 7: rec: woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be a long day. This afternoon we went to the rec room, a 30x40 concrete room with no windows and a racket ball. We played baseball using our sandals as bats. It was a pretty fun way to waste an hour in jail. Gollum had some weird sugar fruit juice concoction brewing in his cup (pruno, jail hooch). I told him to get rid of it, he said he did. Obviously he lied to me so when he went to take a shower I searched for it and dumped it out on him. In his rants tonight he said hes going to start a business when he gets out. He will be a janitor, landscaper, hauler, and carpenter. Oh and he also said he could be president, a good president, all he needs is enough money…

Day 8: commissary: today I received my candy and supplies from the commissary. It was nice getting candy, a cup and deodorant. Unfortunately the phone credits I purchased weren’t processed correctly so I cant use them yet, sick. My cell mate blatantly stole one of my summer sausages I bought from me when I was sleeping. I sent a kyte to change cells because of him. Lately hes been on a tear cleaning every inch of the cell and washing his clothes in the sink and toilet at night. Hes always rinsing clothes, feet and hands in the toilet. Its like hes incapable of sitting still.

Day 9: Next best thing: quite the day today. Woke up to more of my candy missing, accused my celly. He denied it, flipped out, threatened to pin me up against the wall and shit down my throat among other things. I was dead seat on leaving the block tonight, I couldn’t handle another night with him. Then everything some how came together perfectly. Someone was in my seat at dinner so I went to eat in my cell, someone else dumped water on his dinner tray and he flipped out. He came into the cell and slammed the door shut. I pressed the call button to have the guard come let me out so I wouldn’t have to be in there with him. When the guards came they asked if he was the one I had been talking about and realized he was crazy and rolled him up and took him away. Ill have the cell all to myself for at least tonight. 17 more full days and a wake up!

Day 10: double digits: well I did it, I made it the double digits for days in jail. Today was a very boring day, I slept most of the day and did laps around the inside of the block, the Clackamas county 500 I like to call it. I should be having visitors coming this week, that should make the week go by a little quicker. As long as I think about the days ive already done more than the days to come its not bad. However as of Wednesday ill be half done and on the downside of the mountain. I still have a lot of days left but if it can be smooth sailing with no incidents ill be very happy.

Day 11: Yobeat: today I called sean and he told me how there is an article on yobeat selling t shirts that say “free jerm”. Theyre selling for $17 and I get the money, pretty awesome. I doubt anyone will buy them but oh well. Another slow day is coming to an end, finished “angels and demons” and harry potter. Tomorrow is visiting day and I think yale or nancy might come. Ive been keeping up with my daily fitness. No beer, less food, and exercise will really do wonders for your physique, hahaha. I cant wait for Friday when I cant get more commissary candy! One more day left in may!

Day 12: no visitors: I was hoping to have visitors today but the computer system was down so no one was allowed to visit today. Hopefully its all settled by Thursday. I also hope my phone credits get straightened out soon, I want to call some other friends. Called jeanette today, training week started at windells today. Spoke with her, marsha, amry danger, and alex. Today is the last day in may! When I first came in june 1st seemed so far away. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be released! I finished reading “one flew over the cuckoos nest” the ending of it was sad, I didn’t expect it to end that way. Tomorrow will probably be a slow day, maybe there will be a life skills class or rec tomorrow. Starting a new book now “long lost”. Oh and I got a new pillow today, very nice (as far as jail pillows go).

Day 13: June: june is finally here. Im halfway done with my sentence! Hopefully I will have visitors tomorrow and get my candy on Friday. Pretty soon I will have less than 10 days. Ive been having trouble getting to sleep at night which isn’t awful. I just sit in the quiet and read, then im tired during the day and can sleep. I really wish my phone credits worked. Theres a lot of people I want to call and talk with. I finish “long lost”, it was kind of dumb. Now to start a new book “die trying”.

Day 14: visitors: I had my first ever jail visit today. Quite the experience. Yale came for the first half hour and nancy came for the second half. It was like in the movies, separated by a small glass window and you have to use phones to talk. It was kind of lame but nice to see some familiar faces. Tomorrow my candy comes, traded some of my dinner tonight for even more candy! Still no new cell mate and happy about that. I know ones coming soon. Hopefully theyre not crazy. Started learning how to play cribbage today.

Day 15: phones: today my phone credits worked…sort of. I was able to make one call to Christine. Now it sayd I have insufficient funds, and my balance is just over $3. They definitely didn’t put all $10 on my account. I got some more candy today, hard not to eat it all. Hopefully this weekend goes by quickly, theres not too many days left really. I know im just over half way done but it feels like I have less time. The days have been going by pretty easily lately. I still haven’t been given a new cellmate and love it. Today was Friday so I had to step up the fitness again, wasn’t as bad as I had feared it would be. Two guys were taken to the hole today for trying to crush up and snort their meds.

Day 16: sleep: its no secret that the more you sleep the faster time goes by. With that in mind ive been trying to sleep as much as possible during the day time. I wake up around 6 or 7am for breakfast then right back to sleep until lunch around noon. After lunch during lockdown I try and sleep again before fitness time then hopefully another nap before and after dinner. I wish the lights in our cells weren’t so bright so I could sleep more. Tomorrow starts my last full week, only a week and a half left. Seems crazy to think back to days 5 and such. Started reading “the hobbit” today.

Day 17: new celly: my streak of no cellmate ended today. Nick the guy next door to me got moved into my bottom bunk. Pretty happy about it, it was nice being a lone but I knew eventually I would get a new celly. Atleast now its someone I know and have been hanging out with. This weekend went by fairly quickly as im hoping this week will. The days are going to start dropping down real fast now I hope. I foresee falling asleep at night becoming more and more difficult as the days dwindle.

Day 18: keestering: well today was pretty standard and boring up until this afternoon when a new guy came in from Tennessee. He took a shit, took a shower, and somehow the two got mixed together. There was shit in the shower. Well as it turns out he was smuggling, ecstacy, suboxon, and other things in. it didn’t work out so well for him, he got busted. My celly nick told me all about keestering, as hes done it 50 to 100 times. He says hes still got a good “snap back” and “if youre going to be putting things in your ass, you’ve got to know what youre doing”.

Day 19: slow afternoon: despite nancy visiting at 1:30 today this afternoon and evening is going rather slowly. Im reading “four to score” and not really into it. Today I learned that one of the other cellmates who happens to be a little light in the loafers is into me, not good news. Im not worried about it too much though, im sure if anything were to happen the other guys would back me up. Exactly one week from tomorrow and ill be free. I cant believe ive been in jail for almost 3 weeks. It doesn’t seem like its been that long. I wonder how the first day on hill went at windells today. Cant wait to get out and be with my friends.

Day 20: clothes: twice a week we are issued new clothes. This consists of orange socks, blue pants with CCJ on the right leg and elastic waist band, white t shirt, brown boxers (with no button fly), and a blue v neck shirt. Some days you get a good set, other times not so much. This last time around I got a pair of boxers with barely any elasticity in the waist. They are absolutely miserable. The last 10 days seemed to go by rather quickly. I only have to go to sleep in this bed 6 more times. Tomorrow mary and Christine are supposed to visit, that will give me something to look forward to, and then candy on Friday.

Day 21: three weeks: I cant believe ive been in jail for 3 weeks already. It doesn’t feel like I have. I guess that’s a good thing. Only 5 more full days and a wake up until freedome. This is definitely the longest ive gone without a drink since I turned 21, and its going to get longer. I think once im out and busying myself I will forget about wanting to drink as often. I will need to find a new hobby. Im hoping to cruise through this weekend, once I have under 48 hours to go im going to get really antsy. Mary and Christine are supposed to visit in a bit, I look forward to seeing them.

Day 22: cheeseburgers and chocolate: today was comisary day so this morning I received 2 snickers, 2 reeses, and 2 kit kats. Very happy to have chocolates again, although its difficult not to eat them all today. Also today for lunch we had cheeseburgers and French fries. The burger wasn’t very good but I have been craving a cheeseburger quite a bit lately. Its finally Friday, ive been waiting for this day all week. It seems I have barely any days left now, just the weekend and then Monday, Tuesday and im out Wednesday morning!

Day 23: final weekend: I am now mid way though my last weekend in jail. After tonight I will only have 3 days and nights left here. We got 5 new inmates last night so our block is almost full again. One of them has 30 day sentence, reminded me of myself. I guess mary and Christine tried to come visit but were late and weren’t allowed in. oh well, I will see them in 4 days. Yesterday afternoon I beat pyramid solitaire, first time ever, ive been playing constantly. I was very excited about that. Its hard not to think about getting out now that its so close. It makes it hard for me to get to sleep at night. But every night I fall asleep is one less. This has definitely been one of the most interesting experiences of my life. I wont soon forget it that’s for sure. Im reading “the fellowship of the ring” now, probably finish Sunday night or Monday.

Day 24: the final countdown: I am now under 72hrs until im released. Just Monday, Tuesday and wake up. The weekend went by without any wild happenings. I wasn’t able to ration my candy properly and finished it all off today. The final stage of my jail fitness isn’t too bad. I probably could be doing more but I don’t want to. My brain has been pretty distracted lately. All I can think about is walking out the doors Wednesday morning. I have been waiting for it to be Monday the 13th for so long I cant believe its tomorrow. I have felt all along once Monday hits time will fly by and this will all be over, we’ll see.

Day 25: the end is near: my second to last night in jail. At this point im not even concerned about tomorrow or tomorrow night, I just want this night to be over. Im trying very hard not to be anxious and excited about being released. One of the guys on the block had court today and thought he would be he released. He ended up being sentenced to 60 days. Then when he was approved for EHD (jail bracelet on your ankle) his mother wouldn’t submit to the no booze in the house rule, harsh. I wonder if anyone is going to come visit tomorrow. I know its my last day and all but it will help the day go by if I have a visitor. Today I finished “the fellowship of the ring” and started “along came a spider”. I still cant believe im getting out of jail soon. I thought these days would never come.

Day 26: the longest day: well ive finally made it. It is about 8pm on my final night. Another hour or so until lock down and then try to sleep. Shortly after breakfast I will be called out and sent on my way. It seems surreal, this last month. I cant believe ive spent a month in jail. Im more than ready to get out. Im hoping all this anxiety I have right now will tire me out and ill fall asleep reasonably easily tonight. When I walk out of the doors tomorrow morning it will be the best day of my life by far.

Day 27: FREEDOM: finally out, jenna and Christine picked me up and I went right to wendys for bacon cheeseburgers. It feels incredible to be outside for the first time in a month.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mini meatball sandwich

why would i make a miniature meatball sandwich you ask? because i can.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

the egg inside of us all

i make burgers with things inside of them.  this was an attempt at cooking an egg inside of a cheeseburger with avocado.  the egg part didnt work out just as planned but it was delicious none the less

Saturday, February 19, 2011

all sorts of famous

once again yobeat is keeping my internet fame strong.

my fans

i used to ride in northern vermont so i wrote this

northern vermont

Friday, February 4, 2011

for the people

request upon request has been made for me to make an edit of my snowboarding for the internet viewers. this last week i decided to give them what they wanted. I had cameron, my 11 year old athlete, film a few lines with me.  the edit is posted to a site i frequent. check it out and laugh at the hate.

jerms edit

Friday, January 28, 2011

training midgets

cameron chaney is an 11yr old on the team i coach at SSCV.  im working on turning him into the king of snowboarding.  heres a sloppy line we filmed yesterday